i'm tired of all of the analogies, of all of the metaphors, of all of the attempts to verbalize what's swimming through my head..

i'm tired of being made to think and rethink and overthink, even if i'd be a fool for not doing so.

i'm tired of being made to feel unpleasant, negative, uncomfortable emotions no matter how inadvertent or well-meaning the intentions were.

i'm done.

***

i'm taking this off the grid and going dark.

and if it drives me insane having to bear this internally and not being able to share it with anyone, if this turns me into a harder, more unpleasant, darker version of myself, it this kills me, then so be it.

all i can say is that if it does, you'll never know.

not anymore.

i've followed the careers of numerous athletes over the years, taken a personal investment during big games or fights, become jubilant in the event of victory, desolate in defeat. i started with dennis rodman (and, as with just about everybody else in the world, michael jordan), the 1995-1996 chicago bulls, roy jones jr., pete sampras, brett favre, terell owens (yes, terell owens), kenyon martin (yes, kenyon martin), the north carolina tar heels and, for lack of another basketball superstar to support these days, lebron james. as of late it's been mixed martial artists: wanderlei silva, brock lesnar, chris leben and forrest griffin.

but if you asked me who my favorite athlete of all time was, it'd have to be lance armstrong.

***

i don't need to tell you about his story, about how he overcame cancer to win the tour de france, about how it wasn't enough for him to win it once or twice or even thrice... he won it a record seven times. after retiring for a little bit he returned to cycling last year and finished third overall in last year's tour... not bad for a 37 year old cancer survivor.

i'm one of a handful of people i know who look forward to and follow the tour de france closely, although given that this year is lance's "last year" i doubt i'll keep up with it in the future. and just in case you haven't heard, this year lance isn't doing so great.

***

after getting off to his best start in years, possibly even ever (he was fourth overall after the second day), calamity struck. in what can only be described as a series of unfortunate events crashes began to plague all of the riders, and not even lance managed to escape unscathed. a flat set him back tremendously and now he's sitting on 18th place overall... two minutes and thirty seconds away from first.

2:30. for most people, that's not a lot of time. but for a competitive cyclist where every second counts, two minutes and thirty seconds can feel like an eternity.

for a rider in the tour the france, even one as great as lance armstrong, two minutes and thirty seconds can feel insurmountable.

there are approximately seventeen days left in the tour, and anything can happen between now and then. but realistically speaking, lance armstrong's chances of winning this year's tour are slim to none. his even finishing on the podium would be nothing short of a miracle.

***

i've long compared my own difficulties to those of lance's, and in all honesty i had envisioned his performance in this year's tour to hopefully mirror my own performance in life given my current endeavor. when he was in fourth i started feeling optimistic, started hoping for victory.

then everything went to hell.

if you listen to the press clippings, lance is still saying all of the right things. but inside he has to be seething at the way things have turned out, the way that flat tire was something beyond his control and yet ended up doing so much damage.

18th overall, 2:30 back. that's a long ways off from the yellow jersey, the jersey he's gotten so accustomed to wearing... the jersey he should be wearing.

and yet he's still on his bike. he's still pedaling, still looking to tear the legs off other competitors, still looking to finish the tour, podium finish or no podium finish. disappointed? yes. disgusted? undoubtedly. but defeated?

i remember what his mother told him when he was a child, an adage he's taken to heart and lived by.

"son, you don't ever quit."

***

i think back to that moment when i thought about lance's performance during this year's tour being a portent of things to come for me, a representation of how my own tour would turn out.

18th overall, 2:30 back, but still on his bike, still pedalling, still pushing. always moving forward, never looking back.

maybe this, more than an astounding 8th tour victory, more than even a podium finish, is most representative of my own scenario and how things will turn out.

gameplans are the cornerstone of any successful fight. you have to watch tape, study strengths and weaknesses, figure out how best to approach your opponent. you take a striker to the ground and work submissions; you keep jiu-jitsu guys and wrestlers standing as long as possible, and if they do manage to take you down you make it hell for them anyway.

but the thing about fights and about life is that gameplans are hardly ever executed to perfection. because even as you have your own gameplan, your opponent has one, too.

that's where adaptability comes in.

gameplans dictate how to approach fights. but the ability to deviate from gameplans, the ability to react and respond accordingly on the fly, that's what dictates who wins.

***

i see now that i've been too rigid. i've been thinking that i have to keep the fight standing or take it to the ground. and if it doesn't, i'm at a loss as to what to do.

in my mind's eye, i'm always looking for that kimura. it has to be a kimura, it can't possibly be anything else. and in that single-mindedness i lose sight of all of the other opportunities available. maybe there's a darce choke there. maybe a triangle. maybe an opening to take this fight back to my feet and win from there.

i have to be able to react, take what both the offense and the defense give me, and then work with that.

so if she wants to take it to the mat, i wall-walk or use the whizzer. if she wants to keep it standing, i shoot in for the takedown. no matter where she takes this fight, i can always take it in another direction, in the direction i want it to go to.

***

"you can always change your position... you just have to find a way."

accepting the way i feel about her has led to greater peace of mind for me. and in the wake of that at times i'll feel bursts of resolve, surges of resilience, flashes of my being unstoppable.

times like tonight.

***

apart from my previous post, the best way to describe how compelled my heart feels to carry on is to refer you to certain mixed martial artists or specific fights. watch wec 48, where both leonard garcia and chang sung jung refused to go down and kept swinging for the fences. watch the finale of the first (and best) season of the ultimate fighter, where forrest griffin and stephan bonnar both wanted that contract so badly that they beat each other into bloody pulps for fifteen minutes to get it. watch any of chris leben's victories, where he'll be smashed into in the next planet midway through the second round but will still find a way to win despite basically being knocked out on his feet. watch any of wanderlei silva's fights - win or lose - where his gameplan basically consists of a.) giving the fans a show and b.) fighting with his heart and nothing else.

at this very instant, when it comes to her, those hearts are what mine aspires to be.

at this very instant, when it comes to her, there's no amount of damage or pain, suffering or torture that you could inflict on it that would prevent it from seeing this through.

***

this isn't over simply because she says it is.

it's over when i say it's over.

and if she thinks i've said it's over, she's in for a rude awakening.

patience, young grasshopper. your time will come.

this whole time i've been working with the mindset that judas and double h are both better than me, which has prompted all of these doubts and insecurities to plague me and keep me up at night. i've realized that it's a defeatist way of looking at things, and that if i keep it up i'm only shooting myself in the foot... repeatedly.

it goes without saying that all men are different, and naturally judas and double h are going to be better than me in certain aspects, have strengths that differ from my own. but as i wrote in a similar post approximately three years ago, even as i'm not them they're never going to be me, either. i'm going to be better than them in certain aspects, have strengths that differ from theirs.

does that make them better than me though? not at all.

does that make me better than them? maybe not.

but i have to start trying to think that way, or at the very least start focusing on my capabilities instead of my weaknesses, if i'm ever to have a chance at getting my mind right.

there's a fine line between cockiness and confidence. but insecurity does nobody any favors either.

***

i used to think that my greatest asset was my will, because i was convinced that my body would give up long before my mind would... that was certainly the case whenever i wanted to get off that damn treadmill. but this ordeal has humbled me, shown me that my mental game isn't nowhere as strong or as solid as i once thought it to be.

but one thing that has never let me down over the course of my 27 years is my heart.

it's taken its share of damage of course. it's been broken twice before prior to this run around, and if you look close enough you'll still see cracks in certain places. right now it's still on the mend, still being taped and stitched up. after all, i never claimed that it was unbreakable.

but it's still beating. it's never stopped beating and it never will, no matter how much you throw at it. if nothing else, my ticker is stubborn, doesn't know any better, or just plain resilient.

***

my heart beats to the sound of a different drummer - a sound that not many can replicate, really. it prompts me to do things that not many others would do, things that a lot of people would consider foolish, unnecessary and counterproductive. it points me towards paths that are never the easiest to traverse - truthfully, it steers me away from paths that would be much easier to travel - because it's never been willing to compromise peace of mind for ease.

my heart got me through 2005 and through 2007-2008. it'll get me through 2010-2011, too.

my heart refuses to quit even in the face of certain defeat. it refuses to let me live with regret, with a what if scenario i could have avoided, with giving less than i know i'm capable of giving.

my heart pushes me forward, sometimes - oftentimes - in conflict with my brain, but ultimately making the right choice for me in the long run. it enables me to go all out, to go down swinging, to give anything and everything that i can give. and then it enables me to give more.

my heart is sensitive, passionate, thoughtful and honest, and that kind of heart leaves it vulnerable to more pain and damage than most. it's always going to be that way too; i've given up on trying to be different. but when it wants something, when it wants someone, it's focused, faithful and yes, relentless.

and that's how i know my heart is my greatest asset.

***

judas and double h may have a lot of qualities and attributes that i don't have, that i'll never have. but they'll never have my heart, either.

***

once october rolls around - and even in the months after that - there's a good chance my heart will prompt me to do certain things, things that it's no stranger to doing.

i've realized that if or when i do those things, nothing and no one on earth can stop me from doing them: not judas, not double h, not even her. the only person who can prevent me from doing any of those things is me.

***

i'm trying to abandon myself to god's will for me, trying to put all my faith and trust in him and offer up all of my worries and anxieties to him.

but certain things, things that involve what i do as far as what he's put in my heart are concerned?

that's on me. always has been.

difficult times, trying times, times that tested my mettle and my measure as a man. but times i can now look back on fondly, with pride, knowing i pulled something off that not very many have.

history certainly does have a funny way of repeating itself sometimes.

because just when i thought that whole stretch was a one-time deal, here i go again: refusing to stay down when the count's at eight and a half and i'm horribly behind on points. refusing to stop playing despite being down by twenty-seven with just two minutes left in the fourth. refusing to tap despite being trapped in the dreaded peruvian necktie. refusing to stop. refusing to quit. refusing to relent.

i have to be certifiably batshit insane to even be thinking about going through a similar stretch again. but as odd as it sounds, that time made me feel like i had a purpose, like i was doing something constructive, like i was obsessing about something slightly-healthier-despite-not-being-completely-healthy as opposed to something purely unhealthy.

meh. sanity's overrated anyway.

want

Main Entry: want
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Old Norse vanta; akin to Old English wan deficient
Date: 13th century

intransitive verb: to be needy or destitute
2 : to have or feel need
3 : to be necessary or need
4 : to desire to come, go, or be
5 : to wish or demand the presence of
6 : to hunt or seek in order to apprehend

i want to be better now, stable... indifferent, even. i want it to be october tomorrow, to send the letter out and get that load off my shoulders. i want to know what happens next.

but more than anything else, i want her in my life again.

i want her to be able to sort out her business with him and then after all is said and done, i want her to pick me (jacob black knows what i'm talking about). i want us to be together again, even if it takes a while for that to happen, even if we have to be with other people first before that can happen. i want to be able to look back on these times i'm going through now, shake my head and smile because they were all worth it in the end. i want her to be the one i end up with, in spite of everything that's happened, in spite of all of her issues and difficulties, even though that's not up to me.

i don't understand why that is, have given up on trying to understand why that is, just as i've given up on forcing myself to feel differently. trying to make sense of why i still want it to be her is like trying to make sense of why katy perry's songs are nothing great but are still so damn catchy, why shawn marion's jump shot looks the way it does, why mark whalberg's forehead is more defined than his abdomen or why brian austin green is married to megan fox (no hate from me there though... i've always had love for david silver). you can't ever make sense of it; you just need to accept it.

and yet.

***

can't

Main Entry: can·not
Pronunciation: \ˈka-(ˌ)nät; kə-ˈnät, ka-ˈ\
Date: 15th century
— cannot but or cannot help but also cannot help : to be unable to do otherwise than

i can't be with her. not now.

i can't be with her because i'm not better, i'm not stable and i'm definitely not indifferent... at least not yet.

i can't be with her because i don't have a job or a place of my own right now. and even though i'm not a scrub, nobody wants to be with someone who's still trying to get his life in order and come up with a plan.

i can't be with her because i'm not the person i need to be: physically, mentally, emotionally. i'd like to think that i'm getting better and that i'm growing with each day that passes, but i'm not as good or as mature as i can be. as i need to be. as i have to be.

i can't be with her because she's still with him. and as long as she is, as long as that relationship is alive, she can't be with anyone else, shouldn't be with anyone else. because i don't deserve that. he doesn't deserve that. whoever else fills the void that he's left behind doesn't deserve that. and though she may be oblivious to it, though she may refuse to admit it, she doesn't deserve that, either.

and yet.

***

"when someone says you can't, you must."
- b.j. penn

damn you, b.j.

***

it's all circular really, and that's the worst part. you always want what you can't have. and knowing you can't have it just makes you want it all the more.

throughout my 27 years, i've done a lot of things i'm not proud of. i've made my share of mistakes, and if history could repeat itself i have all sorts of things i'd love to be able to rewrite. but whenever my sister asks me what's the worst thing i've ever done is, none of those things tend to come to mind.

if she were to ask me that same question today though, i'd finally have an answer.

***

let me tell you right off the bat that if you're looking for details, you won't find them here. i'm deliberately going to try and keep this particular post vague... something you may have noticed as of late, given my penchant for speaking in metaphors and analogies. normally my life's an open book to anyone and everyone, but as the years have gone on i suppose i've felt the need to keep more and more things to myself or, at the very least, to a smaller set of people. there's that, and there's the fact that you never feel comfortable talking about something you're ashamed of.

***

the moment i found out something i had been unaware of previously, i had a chance to get out, a chance to do the right thing. oftentimes the concepts of right and wrong can be difficult to distinguish, but suffice to say this WASN'T one of those times. i knew what i should do, what all of the values and principles i had been brought up with told me to do.

but i didn't. and it wasn't because i couldn't, either. it was because i didn't want to.

i'm always going to have to live with that, as well as the consequences of my choice. the guilt and shame from my actions are manageable, not overwhelming, not like that of a man who's killed someone without alerting the authorities and has had to bear that secret for years on end. but they're there, and i suppose that proves that at the end of the day i'm still human, that i still have a conscience.

unlike certain people i know.

***

situations can oftentimes be complicated, and when things are complicated everybody involved has to bear some semblance of responsibility for what happens. i'm not shirking responsibility or attempting to justify my actions, though. i did what i did and made my choice. and i know stronger, better men would have done the other thing, chosen the other option. the right one.

the worst part is that i wouldn't want this done to me. that if i were in the other person's shoes and this very thing happened to me i'd be devastated, i'd feel infinitely worse than i do right now. that fact is not lost on me, even if there's no possible way i can apologize for what i've done.

***

it's possible that i'm being far too hard and critical on myself for this. but i'd rather be overly harsh on myself than uncaring, unable to put myself in the other person's shoes, able to constantly justify my actions out of selfishness.

like some people i know.

she's one of the best, pound for pound. she's got her share of issues to deal with, her share of critics and detractors, but she's still one of the best... all-world caliber.

i've always been mindful of the fact that i'm not the only one in line for her title; the list of challengers is long, large and ever-growing. i had my shot, it was ruled a NC, and as much as i want another fight now she already has another contender lined up. naturally that doesn't sit well with me because i feel i got robbed of a chance at her belt, but it is what it is. life isn't fair, never has been.

***

judas trained with me for two years and over that time we became pretty close... until he decided a title shot was more important to him than our "friendship". so unbeknownst to me, even as i went into my fight with her he had already petitioned for his shot. and got it.

he's younger, he thinks it's his time and that he's got the necessary tools to take her title.

i know i'm hungrier though. i want this more than i've ever wanted anything in my life, more than he's ever wanted anything, i think. he's looking at this as just another championship fight; i'm looking at it as a turning point in my career, a fight my career will be forever be defined by. i've got more experience. i've got more heart. and now i have the added incentive of wanting to tear his head off.

***

double h is the last man to have beaten her for her title. they've had epic matches over the last five years, with their series tied 2 wins apiece, plus one draw. because of that history, he has the benefit of a title shot with her whenever he wants it. he knows her better than anyone else on this planet, and it's probably a matter of time before he meets her again and takes her belt away for good.

i've never met double h, so i don't know how our skill sets match up. he's got the experience advantage on me for sure, but i think he's gotten complacent over the years, that the wins have gotten to his head a little bit. i feel i've learned more from our 1 NC than he seems to have from his 2 losses and draw to her, but only time will tell whether i'll be able to apply that knowledge better.

***

and then there's the old version of me, the me when we met. good foundation, relatively solid gameplan, came up a little short in the execution. too stubborn to quit even after finding out she tested positive for banned substances after the first round. you can say what you want about our fight being stacked against me from the start because of that, but the truth is i wasn't who i needed to be either.

i don't know if i'll ever get another run at her title... as much as i want one, nothing's guaranteed, not even after october has come and gone.

what i do know is that no matter what happens, i have to be better than i was back then. i have to learn from that experience the same way that gsp learned from losing to matt serra. i have to be able to say that our NC was the best thing that could have ever happened to me, as trite and cliche as it sounds.

***

it's not a competition, and it shouldn't be.

but it is to me.

and that's why i have to be better than any of those three people... i need to be better. the motivation doesn't really matter at this point. what's important is that it's there.

***

they say styles make fights. on paper, she matches up the best against double h. she thinks she matches up better against judas than she does against me, and maybe she's right... but that was the old me. the me come october has to be a threat to each and every one of them. to take a page out of hannibal's book, give me three months and i'll be unbeatable.

i've got a long road ahead of me; i've no illusions about that. there will be days when i'll want to quit. there will be days when i doubt my ability compared to theirs, compared to hers. there will be days when my team tells me everything i need to hear but it just won't register in my brain. there will be days when the memory of how our first encounter turned out will come rushing back despite october being a totally new meeting.

it's not going to be easy, not in the slightest.

but i've never done easy. so why start now?